Sunday, September 19, 2010

think about your troubles

Today was one of those no good, horrible days that are no good and horrible for no reason whatsoever. I think those are the worst kind, because they seem so irrational, and you think to yourself: aren't other people in the world having a worse time of it for legitimate reasons? And you feel like a moron for feeling like your whole life is falling apart over nothing. I almost rammed into a guy who wouldn't let me in in front of while driving home from work on the 210 because I was so irked at everything. Like seriously considered it. I wanted to.

(Work was absolutely horrendous today by the way, and I was pretty much fed up with everything and everyone. I was hoping that J would be around when I got home so I could vent to him about how I hated everyone, and I could wallow on his shoulder and eat too many cupcakes, but he texted me that he was having family time and so here I am wallowing in the best most destructive way possible: alone. It's probably for the best, because I'd most likely just annoy him. I need to get back into yoga. I'm starting a class at the rec center this quarter with my friend Bien for sure.)

It's hard for me to actually express these feelings because I don't think they're expected of me. People think I'm never unhappy. I am, almost always. sometimes almost always. My coworker told me that too. "I can't imagine you sad. You're not allowed to be sad."

I'm of the mood where I feel like leaving everything and everyone behind and being alone and doing nothing forever. I could almost see myself quitting the CSUSB MFA program, ditching my job and picking up and leaving. It sounds wonderful. There really isn't anything to keep me here. My professor lived in Tucson and he said it's the only good part of Arizona. A quaint sort of college town, like Claremont. It would be near my parents so I wouldn't be quite so alone, but far enough so I wouldn't have to see them. If only I could leave myself behind. I'm kind of pitiful at the moment really.

It's easy for me to get antsy and want to move. I can't sit still and I can't stay in one place for too long, it seems.

A song I love and heard at work today. It made me even more miserable, but a good miserable. The kind of good miserable that only music can produce::

Tell me some good things, so I know they still exist.


  1. Cake! (the dessert)
    Good shoes.
    Polite strangers that open the door for you and tell you the time.
    Little kids.
    Going to a concert.
    Mad Libs.
    A sunny day.
    That's all can think of as far good things go.

  2. Well, your new madewell dresses are definitely good things. I know it sounds pathetic, but honestly cute clothes make me so happy!

    But I know where you're coming from. These times are so tough!



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