Sunday, February 28, 2010

so make a move

Tomorrow might be pretty rough. Good thing Moffett's going to buy us drinks instead of a regular meeting of Pacific Review. Only top shelf beer was promised for me and Valerie, as compensation for our stressful copy-editing duties.

Happy almost one year...

A song I had meant to put on the mix cd (for our would-be one year anniversary).

Friday, February 26, 2010

by my lonesome

I'm tired of tiptoeing around other people's feelings. Unfortunately that doesn't mean I won't stop doing it. Because I am a chicken. A pushover.

Entirely unrelated, my high school classmates have gotten in touch with me through facebook about our ten-year reunion. Blurg. The perfect opportunity to showcase all my accomplishments over the past ten years... yeah. But I'm trying to get involved in anything just to get my mind off things and figure myself out again. I'm even going to my coworker's party tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. I haven't been to a party like the type of party this is sure to be in a long long time. And there's a reason for it in that it's not really my scene. But any distraction of some sort will do.

Today I get to see my girls! Singing or dancing or something hopefully not too reminiscent of their Christmas talent show performance. Either way, it'll be cute cute cute.

edit: My #1 pupil from the Creative Writing Workshop I taught last Spring at my alma mater is getting a poem published in the Pacific Review! Cate, you've made me a proud mama. :)

My favorite text message of all time (besides ones involving pooping on someone's face/bed): "I likes that u likes to hangout by your lonesome and I also likes you. Super cute! Thai food <3 <3 <3"

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

how you know they broke conan...

He now has a twitter account. Too bad I love him, so I'll probably give in and try and follow his twitter. His and his alone.
Coco's Twitter Account


Here's something interesting. Of course, I don't think I could ever take it to this extreme, but... something to think about:

Right now I'm in class using my macbook's Garage Band app to record the lecture into a podcast. Kiiiinda neat. I suck at this technology stuff but the mac makes it a little easier.

So far the tally is as follows:
Accepted: CSUSB
Rejected: Wisconsin, Syracuse (so I won't have George Saunders as a professor but at least I'll see him in Denver)

And everywhere I tried to love you is yours again and only yours. (I do like it very much; and hate it at the same time.)

Monday, February 22, 2010

one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind.

The Bobby D. track "One Too Many Mornings" fits my life right now, and it made me stumble across this 2010 Sundance film fest entry. It looks not-that-exciting but it's kind of quirky and cute and depressing. I guess you could use that to describe me right now. Not that exciting, kind of quirky (and cute?), and depressing.

Aren't I a catch. (Don't wanna be caught.)

It's a restless hungry feeling
That don't mean no one no good,
When ev'rything I'm a-sayin'
You can say it just as good.
You're right from your side,
I'm right from mine.
We're both just one too many mornings
An' a thousand miles behind.

Friday, February 19, 2010

forward momentum

I've decided to get myself into gear. I'm looking for a bike right now. There's a lot to consider. There's this Raleigh Superbe road bike that is beautiful but way out of my price range. I found one on craigslist that is super cute though. And only 179$. Still looking though, so anybody have any suggestions?

The AWP Writer's conference is coming up in April, and I'm writing up my proposal and planning that out right now with Valerie. The more I think about it, CSUSB's M.F.A. program seems like a good fit. I'm comfortable with the people in it and the professors make me want to push myself to write better things which will still challenge me without the added freaking out factor of having to acclimate myself somewhere entirely new.

On the other hand, a change of scenery isn't totally unwelcome. But I'm not counting any chickens yet. I have to wait and see if I even get in anywhere else.

Guitar lessons would be great too.

Other than spending my time working and going to school, biking, guitaring... I guess I'll be reading and maybe going to Augie's to start actually writing again.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

What a depressing blog. I guess I'm depressed.

I wish there was something wonderful and amazing and positive to report. But there isn't. There won't be for a long long time.

Monday, February 15, 2010

think about your troubles

I cry every day, which I guess is helping release the pressure from years and years of emotional constipation. What it isn't helping is that I'm not used to that, plus, I'm pretty sure it isn't normal healthy behavior in the least. It's supposed to get better, right? I don't know if I want it to, because then I think once I'm done, there'll be nothing left.

I'm thinking of going to London for Spring Break, since I don't have anything going on here. Maya's out there and I miss her a lot. (Ah, here I go again. See, missing her wouldn't have been enough to make me cry before, but there you have it). Is it too spontaneous to think of going to Europe in pretty much a month? I don't know how sensible that would be either. Plus, I'd be sad that I wasn't going with Johnny. Not that he would have been able to go.

I feel like doing something rash.

Saturday, February 13, 2010


What does it mean if I can't breathe? Literally. All day, I feel like I can't breathe. Like Jordin Sparks or something. Like I forgot how to, and when I concentrate on trying to breathe, nothing can get in. My lungs are constricted. I don't know what's going on.

Also, today was a miserable day. To add to a miserable week. Every day more miserable than then last.

I could use a shower.

Friday, February 12, 2010

It may have been a mistake to watch this movie again.

It's too hard.

"I know we could both go on with our lives and we'd both be fine, but I've seen what we could be like together. And I choose us."

"Don't screw up the best thing in your life just because you're a little unsure about who you are. "

postcards from italy.

The times we had
Oh, when the wind would blow with rain and snow
Were not all bad
We put our feet just where they had, had to go
Never to go

The shattered soul
Following close but nearly twice as slow
In my good times
There were always golden rocks to throw
at those who admit defeat too late
Those were our times, those were our times

And I will love to see that day
That day is mine
When she will marry me outside with the willow trees
And play the songs we made
They made me so
And I would love to see that day
Her day was mine

It's hard to stop connecting music and books and tv shows or the side of the bed or bananas or adding 's' to words that shouldn't have it or any other significant and insignificant thing in my life to someone I spent (almost) a year with. Not just part of that time; the whole time, there was contact of some kind, every day. Every day. And it's so hard not to have that anymore. For me.

I can't seem to grasp how it could so easy for him; even if it was his decision. It may seem the smallest bit selfish, but I'd like to know that it's not easy for him, too. Not that I want him to suffer, but I'd like to know that maybe there was some semblance of caring? I don't know.

One second I'll feel like maybe I can do this, not by choice, but because I have to, and then out of nowhere, I'm driving down the 210 and I break down. Or I'm ringing someone up and asking them their zip code and my eyes run over. Or writing a blog that's not about him that turns into one.

There were plans. Talk of plans. I thought that meant something.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

i likes

Watch "An Education" if you like things that are good. :)

Love is a mysterious fig.

I've never let anyone in. Ever. I started to with Johnny, but in comparison to a normal person, my little bit of opening up seems/seemed like nothing I guess. So it didn't make a difference, except for the fact that I don't think I'm going to be doing it again anytime soon, if ever. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone. Some sort of lame loner writer spinster.

I guess I should have known that karma would catch up with me for all the bullshit I've doled out in "relationships" past. I never cared; I wasn't invested at all, and they always were. Serves me right that the one time I am I get kicked in the face by love. I know it's a long time coming but I'm sorry to all those "theys" I was a jerk to, by the way.

I went to yoga today because I missed last week--I've missed so much class. My yoga instructor told us all about negative thoughts and how it affects our health and that we need to employ "learned optimism". I used to be the most optimistic person. Used to be. It's hard to be though, I've learned.

Sad thing is that I know all this, and still I love him, and I'm going to keep on hoping that he'll want me back. How's that for optimism? In other words, I'm an idiot.


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