I've never let anyone in. Ever. I started to with Johnny, but in comparison to a normal person, my little bit of opening up seems/seemed like nothing I guess. So it didn't make a difference, except for the fact that I don't think I'm going to be doing it again anytime soon, if ever. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone. Some sort of lame loner writer spinster.
I guess I should have known that karma would catch up with me for all the bullshit I've doled out in "relationships" past. I never cared; I wasn't invested at all, and they always were. Serves me right that the one time I am I get kicked in the face by love. I know it's a long time coming but I'm sorry to all those "theys" I was a jerk to, by the way.
I went to yoga today because I missed last week--I've missed so much class. My yoga instructor told us all about negative thoughts and how it affects our health and that we need to employ "learned optimism". I used to be the most optimistic person. Used to be. It's hard to be though, I've learned.
Sad thing is that I know all this, and still I love him, and I'm going to keep on hoping that he'll want me back. How's that for optimism? In other words, I'm an idiot.